Divorcing the Covert Narcissist

 Posted on December 19, 2024 in Divorce

Marriage to a narcissist can be fraught with difficulties. Divorcing a narcissist can be just as difficult. Covert narcissism is a term used to describe a subtype of narcissistic personality disorder. A covert narcissist has an even greater need for admiration, attention, and validation than your "average" narcissist. The covert narcissist is also extremely unwilling for others to see them for who they really are – including a spouse.

A typical narcissist is a blatant attention seeker with an inflated ego. The covert narcissist is much more subtle. While appearing to display humility, the covert narcissist is always seeking to maintain a position of control over others. Both overt and covert narcissists share a lack of empathy for others and a sense of entitlement, although the covert narcissist is better at hiding those qualities.

Covert narcissism can have a profound impact on a relationship for many reasons, but perhaps primarily because of the total lack of empathy. In a romantic relationship like a marriage, a covert narcissist is likely to alternate between showering his or her partner with attention and deliberately withholding attention and love. The covert narcissist is likely to be extremely controlling and jealous and often isolates his or her partner from friends and family members.

Covert narcissists, like overt narcissists, are also masters of emotional manipulation and gaslighting. Making a partner doubt his or her own perceptions of reality is the goal. In short, a relationship with a covert narcissist can potentially be more toxic than with an overtly narcissistic spouse. If you are divorcing a covert narcissist, you can benefit from having a Batavia, IL divorce attorney as a strong legal advocate who understands the situation and knows the best ways to deal with your spouse.

Tips to Consider When Divorcing a Covert Narcissist

Always Watch Out for Gaslighting

The narcissistic spouse will engage in gaslighting to shake the other spouse’s sense of reality. Some gaslighting techniques are subtle, others are blatant. Some narcissists will "bait" the other person, saying things that are not true over and over. When the other person finally "breaks" and begins crying or yelling, the narcissist becomes absolutely calm and will tell others, "Look at her – she’s freaking out for no reason." Try not to react to provocation to the extent possible. Let the attorney handle the narcissistic spouse whenever you can.

Do Not Allow Financial Abuse

A covertly narcissistic spouse may purposely push every single button of his or her spouse in an attempt to get him or her to walk away from a financial settlement because it is just too traumatic to deal with the narcissist.. This is the goal. It is important to ignore the narcissistic spouse to the extent possible because how marital assets are split can have an effect on the financial future of both spouses.

Expect the Narcissistic Spouse to Drag the Divorce Out

When there is no "stage" for the covert narcissist to play to, the fun ends, so many narcissistic spouses will try to drag the divorce out as long as possible so they remain in the limelight. Attorneys should be warned that this will likely happen so they can be on the lookout and have strategies for moving the divorce forward.

Be Ready for the Following Tactics from a Narcissistic Spouse

It is important that you are prepared for any or all of the following narcissistic behaviors:

• Defying court orders
• Using the children as pawns
• Refusing to negotiate terms of the divorce
• Refusing to provide financial information and documents
• Refusing to even listen to his or her own lawyer

Contact a Kane County, IL Divorce Lawyer

If you are divorcing any type of narcissist, you need additional assistance to get through the divorce and have a brighter future ahead of you. A Geneva, IL divorce attorney from The Law Office of Matthew M. Williams, P.C. can guide you through the process, answer your questions, and make sure you are properly protected. Our attorney has significant experience with mediation and collaborative divorce, as well as experience with troubled youth. Call 630-409-8184 to schedule an initial meeting to discuss your divorce.